Building a Foundation for Connections

For most of my life, I felt like a stranger peering through a window looking on to someone’s family’s cozy dinner. Like there was some inside joke that everyone one the planet was in on except for me.

I felt like an outsider in quite literally every environment I found myself in, someone whose presence was merely tolerated. Then I joined the army - where I didn’t just feel, I knew my presence was only tolerated, but at least I had a job to do. Connections in the military were strong, necessary, and immediate. Strong, however, does not mean healthy in every context, I learned.

Unfamiliar with healthy, authentic connections, I clung to the connections I made during my time in service as desperately as one might gulp ice cold water on a hot, dry day. They anchored me so deeply that I could hardly acknowledge the turbulence of my inner seas. What I didn’t realize was that the implosion of these tethers was like a ticking time bomb - an inevitable canon event fated to propel my life onto the next phase.

Now, I taught resilience skills and concepts to Soldiers. I know growth is impossible without challenge. I also learned, know, and taught that strong social connections is the leading indicator of how resilient one will be in the face of adversity. The applicability of my learning around applied positive psychology was never, ever lost on me.

Like a snake eating its tail, amidst the COVID19 pandemic, I exited the military and lost every single connection to the life I once knew - personal, social, logistical, ideological. The house of cards framework I had built my life upon came collapsing down over the course of a few months and I was left to rebuild a brand new one.

I sloshed amongst the waves, searching for a proper mooring. That’s a poetic way to say: I went through it and it was hardly ever pretty. In fact, it was down right ugly. Potential connections seemed to be forever slipping out of my reach like sand through cupped fingers until there was only one grain left - myself. 

Left with none of my previously reliable sources of anchorage, I was railroaded into attending to the many unanswered messages my heart, mind, and body had been sending me my entire life. Into addressing the malady that caused the stormy seas, rather than just figuring out how to weather them. The process of remembering myself was scary. And exciting. And sad. And rewarding. Connecting to my own true personal nature was the most important connection I’ll ever make.

This connection allows me to show up authentically in all of the environments I intend to make others in. When further connection is built upon authenticity, it roots eternally. Whether we acknowledge it our not, connection to self is the foundation we build the entirety of our lives upon. Like any Creation, it can be hastily slapped together to meet the timeline of someone else’s agenda or it came be built thoughtfully, intentionally, and with a vision for the future. 

If you built a house for your family to live in, how would you prefer the foundation be built?